OLD JAPAN: KOAN TELL IT ON THE MOUNTAIN

Venerable Tossai calls at my misty mountain temple in old Japan to kick around a few Koans.

Koans break through our reliance on conventional logic in favour of enlightened vision. A thousand years hence, your DADA Absurdists may follow suit.

The junior zen Master kicks off by puzzling how he might recognise enlightenment. I explain that an enlightened man is one who can pee a spiders web off the ceiling of his benjo. Tossai shakes his head in bewilderment, until I add: "But he doesn't!" Tossai falls back in the instant bliss of satori.

I test him further, asking how one escapes the cycle of dressing and eating. "Easy, he replies. "By dressing and eating." I feign puzzlement. "Well, jackass," he snorts, "try wearing your dinner and eating your clothes!"

I give Tossai an affectionate slap, and he falls down the stairs to the temple garden. I have taught him well.

BBC:SPRINGTIME FOR HUMBLE IN POODLE LAND

BBC'S SPRINGWATCH is a rat's dropping of it's former self without Mr Natural aka Bill Oddie.

Little birdies whispered that nest-haired and needy Kate Humble needed poodle boy co-presenters rather that earthy Bill, and allegedly magpied him off the show.

A few nutcase complaints that bygum funnyman Bill was too birds and bees for some daughters were used to replace him with emasculated and unfunny southern softies like Packham, who is ironically a failed THE BILL actor.

The Beeb should ask the real talent if they preferred Oddie. Would the bunnies and badgers say no? I don't think so. But they would say no to the birdsong tape-loops played behind Mr and Mrs Numpty when they're on camera.

More dark joy with PM Brown's electoral visit to Rochdale where he accosts Bill who is dressed in clogs and shawl on his way to wash smalls on a flatstone by his beloved River Roch. In the car later, Brown is infamously heard to mutter, "Goodies TV reruns? Not while I'm PM!" So there is hope then...

BIGGEST SCANDALS OF THE CIVILISED WORLD?

Perhaps this should read 'sandals' which Ghandi wore when asked what he thought about western civilisation. "It might be a good idea," he chuckled.

But not as long as we pay millions to LardWatchers to help weighty westerners shed tons of cake and bacon fat the skinny third-world peoples can only dream of.

Instead, we should send celebrity fattie bum bum ambassadors to the neglected ex-European colonies with lots of pies, to sing and clap as our poorer Earth-mates put on the pounds. Instead of carbon trading call it fat trading.

Fatuous? Not as fatuous as the goodies we do send them: war and toxic waste.