ATKINSONFUNNYBIZ

Venerable Tossai calls at my misty mountain temple in old Japan to kick around a few Koans. Koans break through our reliance on conven...

I tour the 88 temples of Shikoku, and stop at the last for Koans with a fellow Zen Master, the venerable Sooti. Koans disentangle menta...

So I’m abroad recently in a Greek Taverna. There’s a group of foreign students chirping away like a language school at playtime, and I’m...

My neophyte Tossai arrives from his ascent of Mount FuJi on his unicycle. In Japan, the cycle or circle enso expresses elegance and e...

In Minamata I meet the venerable Sooti to exchange Koans. Koan riddles open the third eye to see that problems are not real but conceptual...

Roads were once so quiet on our estate, they were mainly used for five-a-side football. Cars were reserved for the rich and famous, li...

I return from Kin-hin, a walking Zen meditation where all of nature is seen as being vibrant with energy. My heightened awareness senses ...

As Earth's power supplies dwindle, Astral Travel, guided by deep meditation on the keyword OM, beams me through time and space to seek...

I return from Matsushima, by the ocean, by the mountains. Fellow Master Sooti visits my Zendo for a friendly Koan or two. Koan riddles ...

Mother Earth is knee-deep in crap, and the seas so filthy even the fish wear noseclips. So what to do with all the World’s mucky megatons ...

My neophyte monk Tossai walks up from Edo lake, late for his KOANS as usual. Zen koans create a state of intellectual tension conducive...

Who’s worried about NHS cuts? You can avoid them you know. Just don’t get referred to a specialist! Surgeons always feel obliged to do som...

I encourage my disciple Tossai to take up Shodo, the way of the brush, which is another form of Zen meditation and also a means of checkin...

Pitching a new police series to TV production companies isn’t easy. They’ve already tried just about every daft cuffing together of chal...

Tossai shambles into my Zendo, or meditation hall, and commences Zazen, which is sitting meditation; and as usual tries to grab forty w...

HM envoys to the Vatican should note that their leader holds forth in Latin, perched on a balcony, often just before falling off his perch...

The MOD texts me with a works order: Professor Brion Damage: UK must continue pretending to be a major power, particularly in useless dese...

I didn’t shine too brightly at football. Instead of left back, I was usually left outside. They got tired of me catching the ball, or hi...

A distress message draws me through space and time back to Earth, and the office of the World Governor. “Excuse me, Madam, is this the f...

Commander 'Oxy' Moron of Naval Intelligence reporting. Somali pirates have bitten off more than they can chew: hijacking a tug off...

The Min of Ed gets a right caning from the PM for stuffing plebs’ heads with science and mathematics, but leaving them totally unprepared ...

Like evolution from ape to man, you start off as a kid eating with fingers, and then slowly progress to scoffing takeaways with a plastic ...

Eating animals is becoming a no-no. But why, many ask. They’re clearly made out of sausages and black puddings. Fish are made out of file...

It’s mind goggling. There was a time when TV was only alive and kicking a few hours a day. Or it might be if it weren’t still true today....

You know the Registry Office: hatch, match and despatch. Well I know one Registrar whose own despatch date is looming. One fine day, he’...

Isn’t it bad enough, a comedy writer going to a small claims court to claim an entire year’s wages? But it really stinks when they won’t e...

High tides are not expected along the Thames, nor high morals within Westminster; though its temporary caretakers will still be on their h...

I spent a day recently with the Uk Border Force. Having drunk so much on the plane from Turkey, I lost the power to speak English and was d...

                 Do you leap out of bed like a lark – or feel more like a dodo? Then join the club. Blame midnight films or midnight f...

The world grows so weary of piss-poor governance, nobody bothers shooting or even satirising their politicians anymore. Deeply humiliated, ...

Armbenders Ad Agency buzz me in a panic. The masses are ignoring billboards and commercials, choosing healthy useful products instead; and ...

As physical exploration of space, and particularly time, flounders; I struggle to perfect Astral Travel , the transfer of our non- physical...

This is GWIZ I tap out in morse code to Portishead Radio, and receive an earful of cheery greetings in dots and dashes. I am the Marconi Wi...

MOST WANTED: Attention directed to dangerous fur-coated and masked gang of three thieves, who never speak but menace victims with sacks to ...

Another duff government steals power and wants cuts in Defense and Culture, so calls on me, Master of the martial arts. Bogoff! I reply, pr...

Military Intelligence appoint me Controller: Operation Oxymoron. They need to get staffed but their training budget has been slashed. So...

As a high flying orthanologist and word botcher, I am tweeted by the Royal Society for the Prevention of Birds for a crash audit. There...