Pitching a new police series to TV production companies isn’t easy. They’ve already tried just about every daft cuffing together of chalk and cheese detectives: Morse and Lewis, Smith and Wesson; but we’ll have a go. And with police budgets pinched, we’ll also celebrate the handy day-job skills cheapo detectives can bring into part-time plodding.
Crock and Dile are two zookeepers and hobby Bobbies, whose detection skills were honed chasing deadly reptiles they carelessly allowed to escape. Both have little else to do now, but sleuthing and dialling Dignitas since the zoo closed: they caught none of the animals.
Sherlock Homeboys are pipe smoking gangsta hunters from Harlem NY. They’re hot on narcotics, learned from cooking up their own gear, and from the books of Conan Doyle stolen from libraries, which they couldn’t read but traded for wacky baccy in their pipes.
The UK offshoot Scotland Yardies has two spliff sucking ‘specials’, so stoned, they stagger off to Spain’s Costa Del Crime chasing Red Moroccan, and expat Brits not living off the proceeds of one crime or another. They fail.
Black and Dicker are randy coalminers well suited to crime fighting at night, coated in coal dust as they are, and therefore invisible: until they grin at their script. Both boast permanent pitprop erections no power tool can fix.
Roofless and Toofless are bad spelling roofers and fighters of crime in high places: lead theft, suicide, and abusive shouting at hot totty below. Toofless quit aerial abusing himself after a ‘cor look at them ‘ooters’ pretty woman kicked his teef in.
Wallrenderers, boasts two miserable Scandalavian decorators cum defectives helping London’s Met stop Eastenders smuggling Swedish eels into pies. They paint crooks into a corner with existential angst and Heidelbergian gloom. What a mouthful, but no worse than the rotted herring surstomming they relish. These prats who love sprats are highly decorated for giving crims a good plastering, and... Oh I give up, arrest me now!
© Mike Atkinson
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