NHS CUTS - JUST SAY NO!

Who’s worried about NHS cuts? You can avoid them you know. Just don’t get referred to a specialist! Surgeons always feel obliged to do something, usually something bloody, with bone saws and sharp pointy instruments. So don’t go. Just say no!

They’re like gunslingers, who can’t hold their heads high unless they’re drilling a hole in yours, then writing it up in their ‘true confessions’ magazine The Lancet, for blazing a trail in butchery.

“Extra buttock, sir? Ideal for two-tone diesel farting?” “Madame, why not try an extra boob: perfect for cosy threesomes, and nine months later for the triplets!”

Just say no, particularly near the plumbing bits: “Doctor, I can’t feel anything down there! You haven’t cut off my...?” “No Sir, just the fingers.” Army surgeons are even scarier: “Mario, I’ve reversed the direction of your feet. So next time you retreat, it will be towards the enemy.”

And don’t think private is any better. You go private to sort out projectile vomiting. But when you see the estimate, you come out projectile farting. After that, you’re right to hold your nose; if only to stop them nicking it. There’s a big black market in transplants with internet adverts like: ‘Not happy with your nose? Then pick this nearly new nose. One previous owner, good runner!” But he obviously didn’t run fast enough.

Remember, you’re not really ill until a surgeon tells you and these gruesome guys breathe in nitrous oxide, laughing gas, every day. So don’t listen! Just say no!

© Mike Atkinson