German is another dead language, but don't remind them; remember HM weather warnings: Dogger, Fisher, GERMANS BITE! They sensibly call their town halls rathouses but fahrt a lot, riding around in their smelly catalytic converter cars. Next door, the French are essentially girly men ruled by tarty women; hence at Elysee Palace receptions, the key phrase is: la meme chose - mother knows best.
America is divided from us by a common language. Crisps are chips, jam is jelly, let's call the whole thing off. But avoid adult humour at White House burger breakfasts; they think irony means taking the creases out of clothes, probably by sitting their big burger booties on them.
Our Dublin officials should note that openly mocking Irishisms is no longer diplomatic. Instead they must retire to the bog (Irish: bog) and shit themselves laughing in secret, after hearing that a sycophant in Cork is a man who has grown tired of wearing trousers.
Diplomats dining in the Orient take heed! Chinese will eat anything with four legs except a table, so insist on Chin Tan Chee Tai - egg and chips. Nips nibble anything from the sea, so avoid government buffets near sewage outfalls. Even Japanese cats flee them, thus: arigato - my cat is in a hurry.
Colleagues fearing the weirdness of Japan should relax, deep breathly and meditate on their government circular: Zen And The Art of Phobia
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