OLD JAPAN: KOAN TELL IT ON THE MOUNTAIN

Venerable Tossai calls at my misty mountain temple in old Japan to kick around a few Koans.

Koans break through our reliance on conventional logic in favour of enlightened vision. A thousand years hence, your DADA Absurdists may follow suit.

The junior zen Master kicks off by puzzling how he might recognise enlightenment. I explain that an enlightened man is one who can pee a spiders web off the ceiling of his benjo. Tossai shakes his head in bewilderment, until I add: "But he doesn't!" Tossai falls back in the instant bliss of satori.

I test him further, asking how one escapes the cycle of dressing and eating. "Easy, he replies. "By dressing and eating." I feign puzzlement. "Well, jackass," he snorts, "try wearing your dinner and eating your clothes!"

I give Tossai an affectionate slap, and he falls down the stairs to the temple garden. I have taught him well.