UNDER THE WEATHER

High tides are not expected along the Thames, nor high morals within Westminster; though its temporary caretakers will still be on their high horses, galloping over speed traps and blaming their mares.

However, LibDim toilets can expect flooding as their wannabe statesmen upchuck at the giddy sight of their own two faces in the bog water below, and the dread realisation they have flushed away Liberalism forever.

So no strong winds of change in Parliament, though it may become wet and windy later outside the PM’s bum come election time.

In Belfast, rain shouldn’t stop the bigoted marching bores on all sides when decades of reason have failed. Ultra violence levels may rise, so bang on the blinkers, like the US Government did when some Americans funded the troubles.

Speakin’ of devils, a hellish heat is forecast just in time for the conference of gun-loving, NHS hating US Republicans. But it’s not an ill wind: for years, even God’s been praying that they’d give us a break and dry up.

Taxing heat threatens the Spanish Costas too, over the costa living and the pumped-up prices but pissy revenue from Costa Buck UK cantinas.

Much touted sea level rises off Asia will trigger a tsunami of cheap, ready to rust Chinese Arks and Submarines in our pound stores. Now that’s what I call enterprise, Captain Kirk.

Back home, the drizzle in Bury’s Kay Gardens will be that fine rain that wets you through. But let’s face it, even when the sun does come out, they’ll only call the fire brigade: the sky’s on fire!

Finally, icy winds and sleet are expected on nearby Blackpool’s topless and bottomless hen-night beaches. So for now at least, that’s the end of the weather nudes.

© Mike Atkinson