Cricket was a nightmare too. Instead of deep field, I was usually asked to stand in the next field, where they did mad sports, like chucking cannonballs. Turned out I was good at this shot putting. Well, good at distance but not direction. So my schoolmates renamed it shit potting, beacause the teachers shit themselves running away.
Mad sports are best and rugby is proper mad; your mom says don’t fight or roll in the mud but the rugby teacher insists on it! Unlike football, you must catch the ball, and by the way, the ball is not a ball shaped!
Another crackpot sport is curling. A fat yoyo slithers across the ice; four Scottish witches leap off their broomsticks and start sweeping, farting and casting spells in front; to speed it on to victory. Hurrah!
Highland games are not just mad, they’re criminally insane. Tossing the caber involves a hairy man in a skirt tossing off a large pole. I suppose its good practise for his next stay in Barlinnie Jail. Until his cellmate returns to plumbing school in Poland.
What about urban sports like freerunning; running up walls and leaping from roof to roof? That’s me trying to shake off muggers and Jehovah’s Witnesses.
I suppose the Greeks invented sport around 3000 years ago in Olympia, to sublimate violence and stop wars. Some Millwall fans still don’t get it. Greeks also invented mathematical formulas. But they didn’t invent one clever enough to get me Olympic tickets.
Have you noticed, one sport beloved by snotty nosed comedy quiz-show shitheads is Beckham Bating: slagging off football hero Dave, because he’s not intellectual like a brain surgeon? For chuff sake, do we knock brain surgeons for playing football badly? No, because you might just get your cranium kicked in.
Then you’ll really need a brain surgeon, and you don’t want to hear he’s at football practice!
© Mike Atkinson
No comments:
Post a Comment