Eating animals is becoming a no-no. But why, many ask. They’re clearly made out of sausages and black puddings. Fish are made out of filets. And If we do turn veggie, they’ll all need finding new jobs.
Being a pet’s a traditional job for beasts, but they’re getting more and more exotic. Sharing the house with snakes, iguanas and big hairy spiders sends your dog doolally. Even more so, when your Korean mates put him and them on the menu.
Zoos drive animals crackers too: wolves go whacky and rabbits go round the bend; because, they’re behind bars, pacing back and forth like jailbirds. “Got any snout?” the rabbit asks. “Yes,” growls the wolf. “It’s full of teeth and ready for rabbit!”
Luckily, they’ve now got their own TV therapists and quack doctors. Dog whisperers, horse whisperers and, yes, even duck whisperers! They’re worried about the mental welfare of animals in the tourist industry.
Like those ducks posing for photos by the river in Paris. Are they in Seine? And when rapping crocodiles in Egypt say it doesn’t bother them. Are they in de Nile? It’s all getting a bit loony.
Which is why space exploration may be the ultimate booty-earning gig for animals. After all, they were first in orbit: a Russian dog nicknamed MUTNICK circled the Earth in 1957, tongue hanging out, drooling down and cocking his leg over a zillion capitalist lamp posts.
And of course, budget cuts will favour space jobs for smaller pilots. So instead of: “One small step for man,” they’ll be saying: “One hundred tiny steps for a centipede!”
© Mike Atkinson
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